Are you excited?! This is probably the question I get the most after telling people what a wild and crazy journey I am about to embark on. To be honest, I think it is hard to fully grasp what I am about to do. I have watched a ton of videos, read even more blogs and still the idea of leaving everything I know, for everything I don’t know, has not quite slipped from the dream in my head, into reality.
For some people this trip is viewed as a gap year, something to do while figuring out who they are and what they want to come back to. For others, they feel called to do something greater and want to chase after what God is asking of them, no matter how disruptive it is to their already ‘figured out’ plans. And everything in between. All of these are GREAT things. It’s just not my thing. For me this is the beginning of the rest of my life.
I spent most of my life being a people pleaser, the fixer, the problem solver, the one who put being liked above valuing myself. I searched so hard to be loved, accepted, and adored that I would figure out who people were really quickly and what they liked and disliked so that I could become the perfect person to them. Not sure whether my intuition developed through this or was part of the reason behind being successful at it, might be a chicken or the egg situation.
Let me tell you though, becoming who people want you to be does NOT work. At least it doesn’t last and you end up being completely broken with no sense of identity or leg to stand on. Also you become a super boring person after awhile when you don’t have your own thoughts or insights to offer. I spent so many years listening to every other voice but my own, I forgot what the tone of my own voice sounded like. Every person I dated, I tried to become the perfect girlfriend, every friendship I had, I tried to be the perfect friend, the perfect sister, the perfect whatever you name it. See a theme?
Eventually I realized perfect does not exist this side of heaven.
When I was looking at colleges as a senior in high school, I came home realizing I didn’t actually want to go to college. I didn’t fit there. My dad asked me what I really wanted to do and what I practically blurted out was, “You know what I really want to do, I want to travel the world and see how other people worship God.” But that voice at the time had become so unfamiliar to me that I let myself be talked out of it.
I went to college, eventually, struggled through it countless times and eventually graduated. I failed out and got back in 4 times, and I eventually realized it was because I was never doing it for me. One of the times I failed out I had to take a whole quarter off. I had just recently taken up painting during that time and found it to be extremely therapeutic. A friend of mine asked me for a painting and one day as I was walking across the street, I got a picture in my mind and knew exactly what I wanted to paint for him. I had ZERO idea how I was going to do it, I only knew that I wanted to. It was a huge project and between the research, prepping and actually painting, it took me over 110 hours to complete. That is still, to this day, one of the things I am MOST proud of in my life. It was the first thing that I ever thought of, planned out and then actually executed all by myself without asking anyone else’s opinions. I am more proud of that than my actual college degree believe it or not. Will that painting get me a job? Probably not. BUT it gave me confidence in myself again, and that will for sure take me further in life.
Sometimes it’s the little things that turn into really big things. I had no intentions with this painting other than showing someone else they are seen and loved. But I ended up teaching myself so many things through it, like how to just start and figure it out along the way.
Fast forward to a year ago, when I heard about the World Race. At this point in my life, I knew I was meant to go around the world (that story to come in another blog!), I just didn’t know how. I was actually ready to just jump on a plane to Peru and figure it out from there. HA, good thinking Jordan lol. Luckily, God is much smarter than me, and decided to help me find a more successful alternative. My mom had bought me a Groupon for a massage and well, we come to find out later, my masseuse was in the middle of applying for this wonderful thing called The World Race. She had originally told my mom, who then reluctantly told me. I can still picture the exact place I was when my mom called and mentioned this thing she thought I might want to be apart of. There are few moments in my life that I can fully remember the beginning of, but I think somehow I knew this was the start of what I had been waiting for my whole life.
I applied as soon as I could and just knew this was meant for me. Unfortunately, the first time I applied I didn’t get accepted. That was definitely the worst phone call of my life and at first, I saw everything I had hoped for crumble in front of me. But for the first time in my life, instead of turning another direction whenever I hit a roadblock, I knew this is exactly where I needed to be. So instead of accepting the no, I turned it into a not yet and did everything I could to be able to go. I had to go through counseling for 6 months to get help for a few things I hadn’t quite dealt with. I had been putting it off for years and God knew exactly what it would take to get me into that office and begin to find my freedom. It was the most amazing, healing, half year of my life and I will forever be grateful to my therapist, she is definitely a gift to this world!
The second time I applied, I finally got accepted and my body literally shook from excitement. Everything I had worked so hard for was finally coming true. I had never wanted anything so bad in my life and there was suddenly no more sabotaging. No more devaluing my worth to protect myself from getting hurt. I had put everything I had on the line with full possibility of rejection, again, and just went for it. So if you asked me if I was excited then, I probably would have talked a mile a minute, burst into tears, and maybe jumped up and down. I know you’re thinking, And how is that different from your other stories?? Well, I guess I am just an expressive person, you’re welcome.
This was not only the thing I had been wanting my whole life, but this was my thing and only mine. If anything, other people close to me didn’t want me to go at first, or even thought I would never stick through with it. But I knew beyond a shadow of a doubt, this is what I am meant to do. Slowly over this last year, I have gained my voice back. I have learned to recognize what I want and fight for it. I have learned what God’s voice sounds like and I’ve let Him teach me about who He created me to be, through this process.
I think I have felt every emotion about this journey, but mostly I am expectant. God has already done ridiculously crazy things in my life and shown me that there is SO much more out there, so many people that have NO idea how ridiculously loved they are, and He has the adventure of a lifetime waiting for me.
I used to say I have a heart for the lost and forgotten, but I think we ALL have felt lost, forgotten, broken, and unseen at some point. The BIGGEST desire of my heart is to show people that they are fully known, fully loved, cherished beyond measure, and that they were made on purpose, for a purpose. We were made to BE loved first, and to love others second. We so often don’t understand how to do the first one. We don’t even have to do anything to gain it, just believe it. Just believe we are worth being loved because God made us that way.
‘Delight yourself in the lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart.’ Psalm 37:4
My biggest desire is to love people the way they were meant to be loved, and only because of God do I get to ALSO go do this around the world!
Excited doesn’t even begin to explain the feeling of looking into someone’s eyes and watching them realize how fully loved they are, how fully seen, and important they are, and how much they matter.
This isn’t just a moment in time for me. This isn’t just a life changing experience. This is the beginning of living out who I was created to be. This is the beginning of the rest of my life.
So, am I excited? Yes.
But even more than that…
I’m ready.
