I finally broke down. I was given more news from back home that just tipped the scales. It felt like a long time coming. The Lord has spoken to me a lot about this in the previous years but something about it finally happening just sent a wave of grief over me. I made myself a little cave in my bunk and just silently sobbed. I threw my hands up and finally let go of everything, and just cried out to the Lord. Fine, Lord, I give up. I give up any control I thought I had, what do you want from me?
Something about finally fully surrendering everything you are holding on to brings so much freedom. That was just the beginning. I needed to stop trying to hold it together and just let Him hold me while I grieved all of the change and loss in my life. I didn’t have to be tough in His eyes, I just needed to be honest.
When I finally gave Him my whole heart, in all its brokenness, things started to change. I felt like I could breathe again and I didn’t have to hold it all for myself. I also didn’t have to fix anything in order for my experience to be better. I just let the Lord bring me joy, and it changed my environment from the inside out.
Since I couldn’t leave the house with everyone else, I decided a way I could help my squad was to cook for all 32 of them for lunch and dinner. They had a fairly busy schedule away from home and I wanted to lighten their load, as well as make them yummy food. It ended up being a huge blessing for them AND for me! Funny how serving others will bless us in return. It is almost like that was the design 😉
Then we moved our way to Albania for training and debrief and my life will never be the same. The Lord showed up in ways I could have never expected and it radically shifted my view of my faith and His love for us.
Let me just start with this, “Repentance leads to freedom!!”
This might seem like common knowledge to some, and to others feels like what you hear said in church or on a street corner but it has been said in such a negative way that it triggers an ugly feeling.
That was also me. Until the Lord radically walked me through a healing I wasn’t expecting. He showed me firsthand what confession and repentance truly look like and how to do it. Let me tell you, when you get the secrets, the lies, and the shame out of your soul, there is SO much more room for the Holy Spirit to minister to you and through you! There had been lies I was holding onto since I was a little kid that I didn’t even realize had a hold on me. As soon as I finally spoke them out loud with my entire squad and watched as people loved me through it, I was set free! I knew at that moment I wanted to be baptized again.
I had been baptized as a child, and even recently, but something about this felt different. It wasn’t for a declaration of salvation, I already knew that was solid. But I wanted a fresh outpouring of the Holy Spirit. I finally felt clean, and I believed in a way I never had before. I had made so much more room for the Holy Spirit and I wanted more of him to be inside of me. Any bit of doubt I had before was gone.
That day we started on the beach washing each other’s feet and ended with 6 hours of baptisms in the Adriatic sea. I have never experienced with my own eyes the Holy Spirit falling upon people the way I did that afternoon. It was an Acts 2 experience. I finally understood why the people in Acts thought the apostles were drunk when they were overcome with the Holy Spirit. Laughing with a joy that is only described as supernatural, speaking in tongues, delivering people from spiritual and emotional chains, we also attracted a crowd that was curious and a little skeptical. Honestly, before this, I am not sure I believed that still happened in our day. It was not what I was taught in church. That stuff was for the olden days but not now. I wanted to believe it was real but I still was skeptical.
But then the Holy Spirit fell on me and I don’t think I could even begin to describe it in words. But I can say it is real. He is alive and He wants freedom for His children! We just have to accept His invitation, we have to set our pride down from how crazy we might look and we just have to believe. He won’t ever force it, but he will wait patiently. You are worth the wait to Him. You were worth the cross to Him. He isn’t going to let a little thing like time get in the way. Knowing we are going to heaven is one thing, and it’s beautiful. But even more beautiful is His promise to dwell within us and bring heaven to earth RIGHT NOW. We don’t have to wait until we die to meet Jesus.
WHAT A KIND GOD. If that doesn’t floor you, then you just haven’t experienced the fullness of God yet. And that’s okay. You haven’t missed your chance. He is still waiting for you. Let me tell you life is so much better when we dwell in His presence and abide in Him.
My circumstances haven’t changed. My house is still burned down, I still am physically recovering from covid, there are still heartbreaks within my family. But I am not afraid. I am not worried, I am not anxious, and I am not angry or bitter. I have hope, I have joy, and I have faith that my God is bigger than anything we face, and in Him, I can face any situation.
I don’t give thanks for the hard thing, but I give thanks IN the hard thing because He is a GOOD God who is worthy of ALL praise and worthy of my WHOLE life, not just my afterlife.
So I will serve a God who never stops pursuing me. I will serve him in love and adoration to the One who has swept me off my feet. The One who turns mourning to dancing, who brings joy in the morning and whose mercies are new every day.
His presence is the reason. His presence is the Good News!
Where He calls, I will follow, now and forevermore.
