I knew going into this mission trip, that I would be uncomfortable. In fact, I asked for it. I wanted God to push me to new limits to see what I was truly capable of. I don’t know how many times it will take until I learn my lesson to be careful what I wish for, but clearly at least once more. God will answer your prayer, but it will probably not look like you planned, especially when it involves growing.
For our first month we stayed in a village in the bush of Africa. We had no electricity, no running water, and our showers consisted of a bucket and a hole in the ground. We did have a western toilet seat, but our flushing involved pouring a bucket of water fast enough to wash everything down. The bathroom was in the same room as the shower, so even though there was a wall between it, it shared one door. This usually meant there was a lot of traffic in and out of the bathroom while you were using it. All this to say, there was very little privacy for normally very private activities.
I don’t think I realized how much anxiety I had around other people hearing me go to the bathroom until this month. I felt like that is a pretty normal thing to feel for most people and I also didn’t realize that when I asked God to help me grow, this would be the first thing He would choose to work on. It for sure would not have been my first choice, to be honest I don’t think I would have ever chosen it, but here we are.
**The following story has been rated PG for some (minimal) graphic details. Please read at your own risk.
It was about the 5th day in or so when I finally pooped for the first time since leaving for Africa. I realized that part of the anxiety entails not going at all until you are comfortable. Well it was either the fact that my body realized it wasn’t going to ever be comfortable, or the possibly unwashed apples I ate that finally made me go. The first day I was very excited because I thought I had made it over this poop hinderance hump, and would be free to go without a worry in the world. What a life that would be.
Unfortunately my excitement was short lived, when the first ‘success’ turned into many ‘successes’ many times a day, for the following 3 days. I will spare you all the gory details (don’t want to have to change my rating), but by the 3rd day I was hardly absorbing any nutrients or even water and was starting to become fairly dehydrated. This was easy to do anyway being in high heat and humidity, and being that the doctor was 45 min away, I had to start making some decisions quickly before it got much worse.
The night of the 3rd day, I started to feel really sick and decided I for sure needed to see the doctor first thing in the morning. As I was sitting there in the bathroom, unsure if I would be okay through the night, I decided to pray. I don’t know about you but I seem to talk to God a lot on the toilet. I guess maybe because I finally slow down enough to actually listen to what He says.
I had promised God that if He could just keep me from going all night, I would go to the doctor in the morning, even though that was the last thing I wanted to do. He decided to share with me that there was a little more to my body’s rejection of food than just the physical symptoms. He revealed to me that even though I have learned to be vulnerable about my story, and the things I have been through, I still didn’t know how to be physically vulnerable. I realized then how hard it is for me to ask for help, and the thing I try to avoid the most is being a burden to people. I am not sure if the shame or the pride came first but somewhere along the way, being physically strong became a large part of my identity. I always wanted to prove I was tough enough for something, that I could handle it all and in no way would you ever catch me as the damsel in distress.
I kept believing the lie that I needed to learn how to take care of myself in a way that didn’t allow for others to be a part of my life. Somewhere along the way I got the idea that I needed to prove my worth, by being able to take care of myself; and if I could take care of myself physically then maybe I could keep myself from getting hurt emotionally as well. My worth depended on what I brought to the table. I was the girl that punched my dad in the nose when I was three, apparently that’s not how you wrestle. I always wanted to be as tough as the boys, so I made sure to prove my strength and punch harder, throw farther, and hold back my tears so no one knew what really hurt. I would be, (and still am) the queen of one-trip unloading from the car. Who needs to go back when you can carry 16 bags on your arms? I spent so much of my life trying to prove myself, and proving my strength in the only way I knew how.
But let me tell you, sitting on the toilet in the middle of the bush of Africa, in a concrete room with no door, and no electricity while one of your teammates holds a light, tells you her poop stories, and sings you songs so you can try and drown out any noise, DEFINITELY makes you feel very dependent, very weak, but also strangely very loved. God broke down all my normal comforts, and I had no other choice but to ask for help, in what has been probably my most physically vulnerable position. He broke down every wall of shame I had been carrying and made me realize that letting people love me through my weaknesses was really not all that bad. And now look at me, I am telling the whole internet about my own poop stories. #freedom?
I then went to my team to tell them of my new revelations and my teammate Mady told me that they were always there for me if I needed them to pray for me. Which of course, the way she phrased this, left it up to me to actually ask for it. And in that moment I decided it was about time to ask for some help. So I asked my team to pray for me and they all surrounded me and laid hands on me. Some laid their hands on my stomach and immediately I felt this warmth come over me, and things start to move in my intestines and I knew in that moment that I was healed. I stopped going to the bathroom and slept through the night. I went to the doctor anyway the next morning because I said I would and all my blood work came back normal and my body started to function normally again. Praise the Lord!
Being in a foreign doctors office was definitely another growing point as my ministry host had to translate all of my medical symptoms to the doctor and then had to translate a few uncomfortable questions back to me. (Sorry Ezekiel!) But hey he also got to learn some new words in English so basically I can now add teacher to my resumé. Also, seeing how they do things differently there just expanded my love for medicine, so I had all sorts of cool bonuses come out of this very inconvenient situation.
I think life looks like that a lot. What seems very inconvenient may really have some beautiful gems inside that God is trying to teach us. Often times we get too distracted with complaining (guilty!) and we totally miss it. This whole year is going to be a year of learning to find comfort in the discomfort, and let inconvenience be my teacher instead of my enemy. It will at the very least be a good source of entertaining stories for my blog. So stay tuned for more ways God is breaking down walls, laying new foundations and hopefully providing a few laughs for you all along the way too.
Here’s to a year of growth, and hopefully less poop.
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