Discovering True Love in Africa

I am naturally a dreamer. I live by faith and the big picture more than I do by the small details. Some people function best with the small details and what’s right in front of them, (praise God for these people!!) but that is not my natural state. But the last 8 years of my life you wouldn’t know that adaptability and living in the unknown is actually a strength of mine. 

I used to always need a plan. I used to always need to know the details of everything in front of me to know how to prepare myself. With my friends back home, I was always planning weeks in advanced for our dinners, or get togethers. I wanted to make sure everything went right. Because if I anticipated everything that could go wrong then I could be prepared. I wouldn’t be blindsided. Again. 

I didn’t realize how much all this planning came from a need of control. I needed to feel like I had vetted everything out so I could align my expectations, so I wouldn’t get hurt. 

I’m sure you can see where this movie saga is going.. it didn’t work! 

I still got hurt, I was a constant ball of anxiety and I put a chokehold on my friends who I so desperately wanted to love me. 

Chains do not create love.

In high school/early college I was in a relationship with someone I thought I was going to marry. I was way too wrapped up in the relationship at the time to realize how unhealthy it was and how much damage was being done to my soul. Even though I am extremely grateful to be free from that relationship now, at the time the breakup completely blindsided me. I’m talking couldn’t catch my breath, world crashed around me, stood at the edge of a freeway overpass type of blindsided. I had put my full identity in another person. I gave up full control of myself over to him and now he took everything I knew in one small act. 

Without him, I had no clue who I was supposed to be anymore. 

As I slowly started to wake up from brain fog of captivity, I realized I had no idea what was mine. 

Do I like this music? Or was that just because of him? Do I like this food? These video games? This sport? 

I had changed so much of myself to be who I thought he wanted me to be, I couldn’t remember what I actually liked. 

Then came the need for control. The desperate attempts to find any piece of my identity I could hold on to. I spent years sorting through what was mine and what wasn’t. It was a very painful process that should have involved a counselor long before I finally saw one. 

Without realizing it, I was also desperately trying to hang on to any relationships I came across, whether friends or romantic interests. I did everything I could to be everything I thought they wanted. I am naturally pretty intuitive, and used that to my advantage to try and figure out their likes and dislikes really quickly so I could be the ideal person to them. 

Maybe if I could be perfect to you, then you won’t leave me.

I thought if I could just predict every possible outcome and situation then maybe I won’t get hurt again, maybe I at least won’t be blindsided. I would make sure I was always available, and nothing could hurt me. Whatever it was, I was always the accommodating one, because God forbid I would be hurt by something and let you see it.

If you see my hurt or anger, then you will leave.

This isn’t love, this is control, based out of fear. 

I didn’t realize at the time that all this was going on. It has taken deep healing of my heart to understand this about myself. At the time, it looked like never being able to say no, dropping my plans to make sure I was always available for people, and lots of anxiety and insecurity. I thought trying to do even more for other people, being more convenient, and trying every diet and exercise plan might just make me the perfect woman, enough to make me desirable. If I can just look like this, then maybe I’ll finally be enough to be chosen. 

I did all this and called it love. I thought love was a feeling I had. I thought love was being willing to drop everything to make life easier for someone else. I thought love would only be given back to me if I proved myself to be worthy of it, if I proved myself to be enough. The weight of this fear, this pain I carried on the inside just continued to manifest itself more and more on the outside. Over the next 4 years I gained around 50 lbs, and was in a constant battle of yo-yo diets and exercises. I thought I was able to hide the pain and insecurity I lived in, but looking back now, you could see it written all over my face, and my body. I would get so hurt or offended when any one of my loved ones tried to point this out to me, (not an easy thing to do). I realize now though, that the thing that hurt is not that they were pointing out the weight, but what it represented. I knew there was more to the story than a simple workout plan. I knew there was a deeply emotional root, I just didn’t know how to dig it up. I just knew it hurt and I knew I felt unworthy. 

For me, my physical weight has been greatly correlated with my emotional weight. I know this because in the last 3 months that I have been on the race, I have been losing physical weight about as rapidly as my emotional weight. In 3 months, I have lost HALF of the weight that I put on in 4 years. At the same time, I have let go of so much emotional weight by laying it at the feet of my Father. 

Before you think the weight loss is probably from not having a lot of food in Africa or being super active, let me tell you, I eat more food here than I ever did back home. The one week I tried actually working out I slipped and fell from a random puddle of water in my room and hurt my neck. All this to say, I am not some crazy fitness guru all of the sudden, I am clearly still learning how to walk properly!

Yes, the food is less processed (praise!), but I also have bought way too many processed snacks from the store, things I would NEVER buy at home. (Hello Pringles and chocolate spread!) I also am generally more active here and I sweat a ton. But even still, the biggest difference I have found here, the thing that is finally working for me, is FREEDOM! 

Freedom from my guilt, freedom from my shame, freedom from control, freedom from the lies I had been believing that I had to produce something to be loved, that I was unworthy of unconditional love. I realized I don’t have to hold on to any of this baggage. I have learned how to invite Jesus into my hurts, into my pains, and let him tell me the truth, let him replace my pain with freedom, replace my shame with love, and replace my brokenness with wholeness. 

Love is an invitation. Love comes from a place of overflow, of knowing you are so fully known, seen and loved that you can’t help but give that away to other people. Even God himself operates out of this. There was SO much love between the trinity, the Father, Jesus and the Holy Spirit that he just HAD to create us to share it with us! Did you know that is our sole purpose in this life? Just to be loved? And out of that flows the love for your neighbor as yourself. But you can’t do the second part without the first. 

If you try to do things for other people, and expect ANYTHING in return, that’s not love, that’s control. God never does this to us. He loves us unconditionally, purely, recklessly and he does this KNOWING there is never anything we can do to repay him. He just simply wants us to accept it, to embrace it and to become fully who we are because we are fully loved by him. 

With love comes freedom. Freedom to choose to love back, freedom to choose to walk away. It is always a risk, but the reward is far greater. God risked it all. He risked his son dying on a cross, for the SLIGHT chance that his children would know beyond a shadow of a doubt how loved they are. We don’t deserve this kind of love. We don’t even understand this kind of love because it is so often distorted in our world. 

I thought I knew what love was before. I thought I was pretty good at it, but holy crap was I wrong. God has been wooing me back to him ever so sweetly. He has been taking the weight off my shoulders, and replacing my fears with love, kindness and gentleness. He has been showing me what love actually looks like, not what the world says it’s supposed to look like. He has given me promises about love that have been wrecking the perspectives of my churched mind. (woof!) Let me tell you if God promises you something and your first response is ‘Are you allowed to do that?’ You probably are stuck in a religious mindset. LOL Sometimes the lies we are believing are pretty ridiculous. It’s good to say them out loud so we can all laugh together! He has broken open the box I tried to keep him in and is constantly overflowing me with love I thought only existed in fairytales. 

To those I have tried to ‘love’ out of fear and desperation, I am sorry. That was not love. Hopefully from now on you’ll be able to feel the difference. I am not carrying those chains anymore and I for sure am not going to try and lock you in them. Because of the grace of God I now know what love looks like, and that is the place I choose to operate from. I don’t have to fear anymore. I know I am loved, I know I am enough, I know I am chosen. 

“Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. LOVE NEVER FAILS. “ 1 Corinthians 13:4-8

Stayed tuned to read more about all the beautiful ways God has been wooing me this month and how he has captured my heart. <3 

*I am still in need of $6,300 more dollars to stay on the field!! If you would like to partner with me and help support our mission, please consider donating. Every little bit helps get me closer to my goal! Thank you so much for all the prayers and support so far, I am immensely grateful to you all!!