Anxiety is real. It is also not the same thing as feeling anxious, or worried. It is something I have struggled with for many years and although it is not always a constant (Praise Jesus!), I have had my own share of anxiety attacks, where the only thing that seemed to help was laying on my face and trying to concentrate on my breathing.
During this last attack about 8 months ago, I was in my room and suddenly started to feel my heart race. I began hyperventilating and no matter how much I tried to calm my mind, I had thoughts racing like a tornado through my head. I was not particularly stressed about anything at the time and it really just seemed to come out of nowhere. I decided I had had enough and I laid face down on my bed and cried out to Jesus, “God help me!”
Not even ten seconds later, I had this vision of me standing on a dry dessert land trying to pull this really heavy boat across the dirt. As I looked at the boat I noticed there were all of these holes that I had stuffed with chocolate and other junk food. Then I realized, through these holes the boat was leaking water. My boat was FULL of water and for some reason I kept trying to plug up the holes from the outside to keep it in. It was then, God told me,
You have to let the water out and let me fix your boat from the inside. Everything you keep trying to hold within you, will be the very thing that propels you forward. Don’t make life so hard on yourself. You were never meant to carry the boat, you are meant to sail.
I realized then, the boat represented my heart. The water represented everything I thought I was supposed to lock up, the trauma I have been through, the pains, concerns, dreams, failures, and even successes I have had. I kept trying to hold them in, and when they tried to burst out, I shoved it down with junk food. Clearly, that was not working for me and God showed me that I needed to let go of the way I have been trying to numb my pain and hide myself from the world.I needed to let the water out of my boat, so that He could begin to fix it from the inside. He then showed me that everything I had been holding inside that I thought I was supposed to just carry myself, would actually be used to propel me to my destination. All of this stuff I have been through, whether good or bad, He will use as a part of my purpose.
I haven’t had any anxiety attacks since.
That day, He gave me something to hold on to. Whenever I began to feel anxious, I just kept repeating to myself, “gotta fix my boat!”. I knew I needed to not self-medicate with food, or other destructive behaviors. I needed to let the water out, and let God begin to heal me from the inside-out.
“It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery.” Galatians 5:1
